Mr. Apologetic versus OnStar
OnStar: “Mr. Apologetic, my highly invasive monitoring equipment indicates you’ve been in an accident. Would you like me to call an ambulance?”
Mr. Apologetic: “Here now, who is that?”
OnStar: “Sir, this is the OnStar operator. I’m one of hundreds of under-paid and over-worked telephone representatives expected to make the conglomerate they work for appear to be human and caring. This service was provided as an “option” when you bought your car. Of course, like everyone else, you never read the fine print that allowed you to opt out and the even tinier pricing information. Well, dude, you’re finally earning a dividend from that $4000 “option” you agreed to. Now, you want an ambulance?”
Mr. Apologetic: “Oh, well bugger me. You’re absolutely right. I never read anything the agent showed me when I bought this car. Perhaps it mentioned that the brakes don’t work now and then. Maybe it would have explained the strange oder coming from the back seat, the blood stains. Oh wait, that seems to be fresh. Oh my. Well, I brought it on myself, didn’t I? No, no. Don’t bother anyone. I’m to blame, I’ll figure a way out of this. No need to disturb the firemen. The tree I seem to have wrapped my car around is well off the road, so really, there isn’t anything for the police to do. Besides, I’m so far out here in the backcountry, at it appears about half buried in a snow drift, so they would spend too much time trying to find me. Well, look, there’s a positive note. The pool of blood hasn’t grown any larger for a few minutes. Yes. That positively motivates me. I bet if I can just get this large shard of “safety glass”-hoho, there’s a bit of irony for you-out of my face I could use it to cut my seatbelt. I may not feel like talking for a moment, Mr. OnStar.”
Mr. OnStar: “OH MY DEAR GOD! Sir, please listen to me. We need to get you some help.”
Mr. Apologetic: “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”
Mr. OnStar: “SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! {aside}Hey guys, this motherfucker’s got a piece of glass in his face and he’s out in the middle of nowhere and I don’t know what to do? This shit ain’t in the manual.{/aside} Sir, mister, dude, don’t touch that glass, man. Don’t. You wanna bleed to death.”
Mr. Apologetic: “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaahhhhhhhahahahahahahahaha…”
Mr. OnStar: {aside}”Man, can’t we call up a police helicopter or somethin’? I can’t listen to this shit anymore.”{/aside}
Another Mr. OnStar, in background: “Dude, put it on speaker phone. Let us play, too.”
Mr. Apologetic: “Hahahahaha…whew, OK, let me catch my breath for a minute. Cool, now I can use this to cut my seatbelt. Errr, having a bit of bad luck finding the belt with my good eye. Maybe I’d better use both hands, this glass is really slippery. Should have kept a cloth under the seat, which being now over my head, would have given me easy access to it so I could wipe off some of this blood. Gosh, there’s just no excuse for me to be so irresponsible. My laziness has put me in this position, which is upside down, by the way. It would simply compound my error to cause concern and discomfort to others due to my own mistakes. No, it’s nice to have someone to talk to and all, but you’re not out here so I don’t feel like I’m unfairly imposing on your time. But I’d hate to drag anyone out into this storm. I’m sure my face will stop bleeding pretty soon on its own.”
Yet another Mr. OnStar, in background: “Holy shit, man, who is that? Mr. Jeeves?”
{Much laughter in background}
Mr. Apologetic: “Hehe, yes, I suppose it must sound that way. Well, you’re spot on. I’m a writer from England on a book tour across your United States. I’m somewhere between Ohio and some other wonderful state of yours. I can’t seem to think of its name. Odd, I’m usually good with names. Anyway, yes, a book tour. What ghastly fun. This isn’t too much fun, though. It is, however, just as ghastly. Now, I seem to have only one hand free. I’m going to take a few blind stabs at the seat belt and see if WOAHOHOHOHOOWOWOWOWOWO.
First Mr. OnStar: “WHAT? WHAT? What are you doing? What’d you do, man? Oh shit.”
Mr. Apologetic: “OW OW OW ow ow ow ow…bloody hell. THAT wasn’t the seat belt, that was my arm. At least that wasn’t my writing hand.”
5th or 6th Mr. OnStar: “Dude, did you just CUT OFF YOUR ARM!? {aside}Get the hell out of my way, man. I’m going to be sick.{/aside}
Mr. Apologetic: “Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear that. Anyway, no. Not exactly off. Not completely off. Close enough, but not completely off. Odd, there isn’t any more pain. One would expect a lot more pain. Well, don’t mean to look a gift horse…well, you know. I still need to cut the belt. Might as well get on with it before…before what? Before… Before… Then after. Hehehe, I seem to be losing my focus here a bit. Need to focus. Need to cut this seat belt. It would be helpful to be able to see it, but alas. Is thatOWOWOWOOOOPS”
A Mr. OnStar: {aside}”AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg”{/aside}
His fellow Mr. OnStar: “{aside}Jeeves is awesome. I mean, this is incredible. I never get cool calls like this. I only ever get flat tires and lockouts anymore.{/aside} Hey Mr. Jeeves, dude, are you still there? Are you still alive? Jeeves? Jeeves?”
Mr. Apologetic: {sotto voce}Huh? What? Did you wish to speak to Jeeves? Sorry, I don’t believe there is a Jeeves here. Unless perhaps I’m Jeeves. Jeeves. Jeeves. No, I think not. Jeeves?{/sotto voce}
Numero uno Mr. OnStar: “Oh god Oh god Oh god, Jeeves! Jeeves, you there, man? Jeeves, tell me what’s happenin’ man.”
Mr. Apologetic: “Errrrrrrr, oh!”
Who cares which Mr. OnStar: {aside}”Hey Larry. You notice you never started recording this call? You still ain’t recording. Shit, man, they’re going to give you so much hell if this dude ever sues the company.“{/aside}
Mr. Apologetic:
The Mr. OnStar closest to the phone: “Yo, Jeeves dude, you still there? You OK? Speak to me, sir.”
Mr. Apologetic:
Lead Mr. OnStar: {aside}Hey Larry, I’m going to start your recorder, you know it’s supposed to always be on. Good thing you were in the can heavin’ your guts out. You could have had a call come in. Oh, and check this out, you left your phone off the hook. Well, that’s easy enough to fix…”{/aside}
{Dead silence}
