Jeber’s

Be honest; do you like me?

You worthless bag of filth

You vulgar little maggot.

You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who sired you and then killed himself in recognition of what he had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn’t be here if the rubber hadn’t tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you.

You have all the appeal of a booger. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.

May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won’t have sex with you––only trash such as yourself.

You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper. On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool.

You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I’m sorry. I can’t go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.  (Source-though possibly not the original-Best of Craigslist)

“God As My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Could Fly!”

“Station manager Arthur Carlson comes up with a big idea for a unique holiday promotion involving live turkeys and a helicopter.”


My favorite Thanksgiving story. Gather the family around after dinner and enjoy.

Good vs. Evil…according to a geek

Though I usually try to avoid using the term “evil”, in this context it seems appropriate. So what do you think? Accurate, inaccurate? Do you have suggestions for either side this geek missed? Bring them on.

(Tip o’ the hat to Geekstir)

Palin v. Biden, SNL style

Bill O’Nutcase rant, behind the scenes

So just what was happening on the other side of the camera during Bill O’s classic rant?  Now we know.

Copy That

I’ve been a Michael Blieden fan since I first saw Melvin Goes to Dinner.  Next to Jerome Bixby (The Man from Earth) Michael is one of the best writers of natural dialogue I know.  He’s also a major comedic writer.  Here’s a sample:

Want more?  Check out Guacamole.

I’m finally proud to be an American

Perhaps Michelle Obama should reconsider her comment in light of this:

Our President

I can’t decide if Boy George is making a gang sign (the D.C. “Old rich white guys who get away with everything” gang) or indicating his IQ (3 fingers and a zero=30).  I also wonder if Chinese beer is more potent than our domestic varieties.

He should ask the Pope to teach him how to do this.  He’s halfway there.

I can see you sinning

Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet

In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.

Mylenek, a moron, prepares to publicly address the “dumbest shiz [he's] evr seen!!!1!”

“Later this evening, I intend to watch the video in question, click the ‘reply’ link above the box reserved for user comments, and draft a response, being careful to put as little thought into it as possible, while making sure to use all capital letters and incorrect punctuation,” Mylenek said. “Although I do not yet know exactly what my comment will entail, I can say with a great degree of certainty that it will be incredibly stupid.”

Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would allege that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature.

“The result will be an astonishing combination of ignorance, offensiveness, and sheer idiocy,” Mylenek said.

Pressed for further details regarding his intended post, Mylenek, who will comment under the Internet pseudonym “xblingdaddy2005x,” revealed that there is a strong possibility he will inadvertently post the comment twice.

“After clicking the ’submit’ button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments,” he said. “It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it.”

Mylenek confirmed rumors that he will be momentarily sidetracked by another inane task while drafting his comment. The distraction is scheduled to come at 2:25 a.m. in the form of a “related video” link featuring a man being sodomized by a horse, which Mylenek will re-watch seven times and laugh obnoxiously at with his friend and fellow idiot, Steve Blanchette, 28.

“Once this minor diversion is complete, I will finish posting my comment, then sit there like the worthless human being I am and wait for other commenters to respond,” he added. “Because, as I mentioned before, I have nothing better to do with my life.”

 

“We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of fucking human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment,” Mylenek said. “What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?”

Mylenek concluded his press conference with a solemn vow to uphold the awful, unintelligible, anger-inducing quality of his past Internet comments.  (Source, the Onion)

I’m still LMAO.

Live long and prosper (?)

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 85?’ He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’ ‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’ Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or Sausage?’ I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’  ‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?’ ‘No, I don’t,’ I said. He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley or have a lot of sex?’  ‘No,’ I said. He looked at me and said,

‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

(posted by emmas on Tumblr)

I heartily agree.  I’d rather burn out at 65 from living life to its fullest than slowly decompose for 85 years avoiding all risk and adventure.

The website is down

I’ve mentioned my stints on the help desk for Gateway computers and D-Link products before.  While I tried to be conscientious, I did get a complaint that I was taking too much time on some of my calls.  It didn’t help to mention that I was trying to help the customer accomplish their goal so they wouldn’t have to call back.

On supervisor told me I was much more suited to an in-house IT environment.  After watching this video, I’m inclined to agree.

The Website is Down

Colbert on the fine art of losing it

Engineers explain cats

I hate to admit it, but…

(Click image for larger version)

Tweaking the Twitterati

How to piss off your friends on a social network…

Atheism renounced to avoid working bank holiday weekend

Before you all go and get crazy about this story, please note the category. It’s just a bit of good old satire. I thought it was a rather good story to post for this particular Sunday.

Charles Richards, a previously strident atheist, was forced to renounce his beliefs under exerted pressure from his employer to work on Good Friday and Easter Monday.

‘My supervisor had approached me in the break room and asked me what I thought about the resurrection of Jesus Christ,’ explained Richards. ‘Now I’d had a bad morning so was more than happy to debate with a religious nutter, and decided to dismiss millennia of spiritual reflection and meditation by some of the greatest minds of their time with a joke about the Easter Bunny. But I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.’

Instead of the indignant response Richards expected, his supervisor began to ask him if he believed that in the modern secular age the last vestiges of religious observation should be removed from British society. ‘It was then that I clicked,’ said Richards, ‘we’re supposed to be open for calls over the bank holiday weekend and he was looking for volunteers. I started backtracking faster than Rowan Williams saying there might be something in Sharia Law.’

Scrambling for a way to avoid coming in on the holidays, Richards spotted something on the break room bench. ‘I just really went for it, saying ‘Look! What’s that on that pastry? It’s a sign! Christ will rise again!’ and started genuflecting and crossing myself furiously. The boss just stood there looking at me a little strangely. I then made a break for it before he realised I’d been worshipping a hot cross bun, and hid in the toilets till home time.’ At 5.31 Richards left the office to return to the bosom of his Christian family. He plans to rejoice in the resurrection of Christ our Lord by buying a new sofa at DFS.

He also takes it as an article of faith that their sale will end at 8pm Monday. (Source)

God is not dead…just unemployed

Omniscience

Horton Hears an Evangelical

Many thanks to The Exterminator for this wonderful bit of silliness/subtle wisdom:

Today is Dr. Seuss’s birthday. And so, in his honor:

n a place known as Whoville the folks got distraught
When Horton the elephant said what he thought.
“The oddest of oddities isn’t as odd
As people believing that there is a god.”

The Who Jews and Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists
The Who Vegetarians, Wiccans, and Nudists,
The Who Presbyterians, Baptists, New Agers:
All spread the sad news on their cell phones and pagers.

A Who Evangelical fell to his knees
And he said, “Oh no, Horton! I beg of you, please!
We always have liked you. We all think you’re swell,
And we can’t stand the thought that you’re headed to hell!”

But Horton just laughed and he wiggled his trunk.
The bible to him was a big bunch of bunk.
He meant what he said and he said what he meant,
“Religion is silly a hundred percent.”

The Who Evangelical let out a snort in
A very snide way most insulting to Horton.
“You say you’re an atheist? Here’s what we’ll do —
We all know that atheists are anti-Who —

We’ll drive you from Whoville; we’ll send you away.
Or else we will force you to worship and pray.
A person’s a person, no matter how small
But an atheist isn’t a person at all!”

But Horton just laughed once again even louder
And told all the Whos he would not take a powder,
Nor worship some stupid nonsensical being
That no one was hearing and no one was seeing.

“I will not be threatened,” he said. “It’s not funny.
I won’t trust your god with my flag or my money!
I will not allow him to influence science.
An elephant thrives on his own self-reliance!”

The Who Evangelical said, “My dear chap, sure
You think you’re so smart, but just wait till the rapture.”
The anti-Christ’s coming and then you will find,
That your friends are in heaven but you’re left behind.

“We cannot allow that to happen to you,
Because, after all, Jesus loves ev’ry Who.
You must accept God for the good of us all.
A person’s a person no matter how small.

“And though you’re no Who (you are just a big elephant),
God loves you, too. What you are is irrelevant.
He can destroy us if someone’s defiant.
A sinner’s a sinner no matter how giant!”

The Whos approached Horton, began to surround him.
If some of the Whos had their way, they’d have drowned him.
Some others thought maybe they might build a fire.
And stoning was mentioned among the Who choir.

But Horton was huge and avoided the crunch of them,
Picked up his foot, and he stepped on a bunch of them,
Hoped the survivors would give up their mission,
So here’s what he told them about superstition:

“The oddest of oddities isn’t as odd
As people believing that there is a god.
There isn’t a heaven, or hell you should dread.
A person’s a person — unless he is dead.”

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”
Dr. Seuss

Equal offender

I was reminded the other day that most of my recent comments have been restricted to Christians; I’m in danger of becoming too focused on a single branch of theism.

Let me correct that oversight by posting something that I can only hope will offend the Muslims.

Now to go find something that offends those pesky suicide-bombing, door-to-door salesman like Buddhists.

Lewis Black on theism

Amen.